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我不是好人(改)

This would probably be the last post that I’ll be writing on this dead dead blog. For those who read this before, I’ve only revised a bit here and there and corrected the wrong words. Added a bit more emotions…. haha

2011年9月13日

这是一篇昨晚未写完的电子日记,地铁上太闷我会用手机写些东西:

啊,又是繁忙的一天。这种感觉是这么的熟悉,深夜离开学校的我拖着疲惫的身躯和沉重的书包坐上了几乎无人的深夜地铁回家。我很想睡,但睡不着,看来今晚又是漫长的“三更战”了。

很久以前我就知道妈妈除了打杂工以外还做房屋投资,就是租下一整套单位后将每个房间转租出去,从中抽取利润。说起来简单,但这其中有数不清的琐碎事与杂事,恼人也累人。

上半年由于妈妈的疏忽导致钱财外流,被前继父骗去了好几万,这是我为家中担忧的原因之一。现在妈妈的大钱已经通通交给我管。看着妈妈每个月总是让我拿一千多元去存(房屋投资利润减去开销剩下的),却还不断叫我别乱花钱、别打德士、少看电影、少去KTV等等。她自己却为了省几十元的清洁费,不愿请清洁工,在新租客搬来前,而花了四五个小时打扫那些旧租客搬走后的房间,总是累得回到家里连眼睛都睁不开。妈妈让我明白了中国人节俭、不用未来前的美德。这十几年来我已被她培养成一个万事节约不乱用的人。

那些晚上,我坐在妈妈背上帮她按摩,心里感觉一阵酸楚,但总是说不出来,只能默默地流着泪。我想:她用双手换来的钞票与一身酸痛不都也是为了我吗?自己要是不努力又怎能对得起她?所以,这场战争就算不为自己拼也得为妈妈搏。不管多累,我一定会坚持下去!我为自己读书,跟您为我的付出相比,再苦又算得了什么?精神上相比,你的是高尚的,我的是自私的,我们差远了!

其是读书真的苦吗?我不能说不是,但又有哪种磨练不苦的呢?不管怎样,我不能对不起妈妈,她无私的付出已让我将“母亲第一”的想法根深蒂固地印入大脑。我再辛苦都没你苦,我再累也没你累,你没放弃我,我不会放弃自己!

但有的时候我并没做好一个儿子的本分。上学期我就快住校的时候,同学说:“这几天你就早点回家陪陪你妈吧,过几天你想在学校留到几点都行,还能在学校住呢!” 我想了想,是啊,我再过一个星期就不能天天见到妈妈了,这几天应该好好陪陪她。听了同学的这番话,我顿时有些感动,想到这里我又觉得自己很不孝:连同学都能考虑到的地方却被我忽略。我一下子愣住了,目不转睛地盯着她,似乎从未听过如此发人深省的格言。智贤,谢谢你。

仔细想想,我倒还真的没有站在妈妈的立场考虑事情:她常告诉我,我是她的唯一,除了我她不能依靠别人。我的生命与健康她也有份,她总是无微不至地照顾着我的起居,但我却只会熬夜、浪费时间、糟蹋自己,我完全是无视了她的心血。每晚她为我准备好香喷喷、热腾腾、这世上最美味的家常菜当晚饭,却得常常打一遍又一变的电话问我几点回家,还得把菜放进微波炉里加热一遍又一遍,我却只是敷衍地说我就快回来了,但家里始终不见人影。

直到同学那句话把我敲醒,我都没能发现她只不过是想多看看我。我忘了一个母亲一生最大的责任就是把孩子养大成人。她是个负责的母亲:总是对我严格教导,也以身作则地对外公外婆无比的孝顺,希望我长大后跟她一样,品行端正,为人正直。但这个母亲却得经常等到九、十点钟才能见上儿子一面,又只能看那么几眼,因为他早出晚归,每天能相处的,几乎就只有那一顿晚饭的时间。我一定伤透了她的心吧?想到这儿,我心里尤其不是滋味。有时候,我到家时间更晚:晚我又是午夜才回来。但妈妈还是起来帮我热了一碗汤才又继续睡。泪水从脸颊流下滴进了汤里,我怎么是这么烂的一个儿子啊?

妈妈不断叮嘱,赚钱不费力,费力不赚钱,现在的我一定要用功读书,将来就不会像她一样辛苦。相信这类话也成了各位的家常便饭。对,妈妈就算你没文化,但你对我来说永远是那独一无二的妈妈,没了你我就像一只无法声波定位的蝙蝠,盲目地在黑暗中飞着,早晚有一天会撞上墙壁或大树。所以不管今后我在哪儿,我几岁了,我都不能没有你。我没有一个像样的父亲,但我们母子同命,相依为命,有你这样的好妈妈,我已经知足了。

还是那段话。

我爱你妈妈,能天天吃到这么好吃的饭是我的福气,我会好好珍惜的。我知道你的辛劳与用心良苦,为了我你当娘又当爹。但我也有劳累的时候,所以有时会不乖不听话,请你原谅。不管怎样,今后我会尽量不和您顶嘴,听您的话。我以后答应的事会全力以赴,少开空头支票。我会好好用功读书读书,我已经就快成年了,请您一定要相信我会处处为自己做明智的选择。音乐是我的梦想,但我会为自己找到一样能混饭吃的专业再追求我的梦想,这样要是歌唱失败了,我还有一门技能来填饱肚子。我不会再转学了,我知道我们学校还是有很多值得认可的好地方的,我现在也找到了快乐,留下来是我自己的决定。是,我总是对他人的精神依赖太大,搞得自己少了个朋友就快受不了。从今以后不管精神或能力方面我都要靠重自己,因为我相信我也是有能力的,不然当初也进不了这学校了。

能读书的日子就最后这么几年,以后想成绩顶呱呱都没机会了。无论如何,我会加油,只要是该做的事,都要加油要认真,这样才会快乐。

开心是最重要的!有你这样的好妈妈真是我上辈子修来的福,你下辈子一定还要再做我妈妈。不,应该轮到我做父亲了,让我为您操劳吧!

可怜天下父母心,所以,天底下的子女们都该明白,百善必须以孝为先!

给最爱的妈妈

我爱你妈妈,能天天吃到这么好吃的饭是我的福气,我会好好珍惜的。我知道你很劳累,为了我你当娘又当爹。但我也一样,所以有的时候会不乖不听话,请你原谅。不管怎样,今后我会尽量不和您顶嘴,听你的话。我以后答应的事情会全力以赴,少开空头支票的。我会好好用功读书读书,我已经就快成年了,请你一定要相信我会处处为自己做明智的选择。音乐是我的梦想,但我会为自己找到一样能混饭吃的专业再追求我的梦想,这样要是歌唱失败了,我还有一门技能来填饱肚子。转学也是不一定的,我知道我们学校还是有很多值得认可的好地方的,我一定慎重考虑衡量得失轻重,但我也清楚,离开以后的好处也有不少。我好像对峻辉的精神依赖太大了,从今以后不管精神或是能力方面我都要靠重自己,因为我相信我也是有能力的,不然当初也进不了这学校了。能读书的日子就最后这么几年,以后想成绩顶呱呱都没机会了。不管怎样,我会加油,只要是该做的事,都要加油要认真,这样才会快乐。开心是最重要的!有你这样的好妈妈真是我上辈子修来的福,你下辈子一定还要再做我妈妈。

Dear Dear Dear You

Never wanna cry again.

Damn it feels horrible.

But I know,

That you’ve been there for me,

All these time.

And when the new term starts,

Finally,

I get to see you once more.

I was glad,

But not so much now.

想哭的时候就看你一眼,(I’ll take a peep at you when I wanna cry)

让我提醒自己,(To remind myself)

我还有你在身边。(That you’re still by my side)

你昼夜陪伴着我,(You accompany me day and night)

这些岁月,(For all of these time)

你让我数夜无眠。(You gave me sleepless nights)

But it’s all your fault!

I can’t say I like you,

Because…………

不把你搞定我会死得很惨 (I’ll die because of you)

去死吧你这死缠烂打的作业纸!!! (So go to hell)

I hate you to the core,

You stupid homework!

 

Onion =D

what i signed up for…

上次在此登录是去年十月。过了半年,看看自己,似乎长大了,似乎一成不变。想先对妈妈说声对不起,我知道我错了,而且错的很离谱。这不是我想要的,也不是你想看到的。虽然说已经搬来了宿舍,但究竟对自己的帮助有多大,我非常清楚。

为什么一直办不到呢?不是因为我太慢,不是因为我对自己要求太高,不是因为我比别人笨,不是因为我有强迫症;是因为心中没有明确的目标,是因为还未曾清楚地了解自己活在这世上的意义,是因为我懒,是因为我习惯了自己对你的依赖,是因为我还没长大。

我以为自己很成熟,但其实我很幼稚,连比我小的人都能明白的道理我却不能。连做个端端正正的中学生都办不到,我还有什么成熟可言?我的虚伪、假清高、惹人嫌的自以为是,同学们都看在眼里。我固执、一意孤行;我好强,喜欢看花儿开却不爱种花的过程,还偏要自己院子里的花比别人的漂亮,你说这怎么可能? 

我活够了完美主义的人生,我根本就没法让一切事物像我想象的那样,换句话说,完美根本无法实现,我只不过活在自己的乌托邦里:完美一点也不现实。这世界就刚刚相反:过现实主义的生活吧。现实一点:他们要什么就给他们什么,要几点就几点。他们不管你是怎么怎么办到的,只要看到成绩就好。就像钱,我管你的钱从哪儿来,你有钱就好。没问题,我办得到。

不管有多累,都是因为自己。我谁也怪不了。从同学苑琳那儿明白了个道理:如果你办不到就不要办,如果你知道你办不到却偏要办,那就准备受苦,也不要抱怨,because this is what you signed up for。

那些曾经信任我、对我期望高的人,对不起,让你们失望了。我会将我曾经开出去的空头支票一一兑现的。

我知道是我错了,我会振作的,谢谢你。

Decommision and the Flower

I’m afraid what I’ve said in an earlier post on facebook is incorrect. Ya, y’all guessed it. It’s impossible that CG quits facebook and his computer games all of a sudden right? It’s just unimaginable. I mean, CG is such a slacker and one who lacks motivation, why would he do that out of no purpose? Ya, I was wrong,

FOR CG IS GOING TO QUIT EVEN MORE.

I thought it was alright for me to keep my msn and blog alive. Too bad, I couldn’t. I am such a failure at things. I now have to stop blogging and msn-ing as well. Basically, I on my comp now only to open up eSqace and email. Yucks, this sucks I know, but I think it’ll work out for me. I will login msn if I’ve a thing to discuss. I’ve already instructed someone to modify my blog, facebook and msn account passwords without my presence. This will officially be the last post I will write on this blog until….. I dont know? Until that person is persuaded by me to tell me the passwords? No, that’s not gonna happen, for I’ve already persuaded this person not to tell me the passwords no matter what. I’ve to beg for the password to be keyed in everytime I’ll need msn for discussions. Eww, stupid me and lousy me, right? I’ve let someone hide my iPod and Wii controllers.

So, basically, I won’t blog anymore from now on or use msn unnecessarily… I will exit the entertainment circle, for I will find more meaningful stuffs to take my life over. That’s it!

But finally, I have to unveil the true identity of kimjiosa shortara, don’t I? Since I just got more seeds… Here’s a picture of it and its seed. Haha, I think I’ve entertained myself enough for today =D

Oops, a little too big ya?

Out of Seeds

Just a quick update to the Sweet Poisonous Flower….

For the moment, I’ve exhausted (eaten up) all the seeds that were once available in my house and thus, have failed to grow them into proper flowers. For those who wants to find out how the flower looks like, I’m sorry. Unless you provide me with more edible seeds, then it’s possible that the flower forms. Just a hint, the seeds have a rough surface texture and remembered I mentioned that it’s bright in color? Hahas… I’ll rest a while before I go get more seeds and grow more. Oops, I forgot to say, Ji ate one of the flowers and puked. She said it tastes shity. Well, I guess I just love the smell and looks as well. =)

The Sweet Poisonous Flower

Ever heard of a species of flower that smells like chocolate? Its seeds can be bought in a supermarket and you can grow them at home by yourself, with amazing speed they grow. And then I managed to grow 2 of them last night. A sad truth is, although their enchanting fragrance of chocolate, they are poisonous and you will have your blood heavily poisoned if you ingest these flowers. Ya, all that glitter is not gold. It looks pretty, it smells yummy, but you will just have to pay your price if you ever eat it. Of course, it depends on how much you eat.

The Sweet Poisonous Flower is short and bright in color. It has crumpled petals and a thin stalk. You may wonder why you cant find these flowers at the florist, that’s obvious, because it is special and not everyone will get to enjoy it’s presence. And those that do, might eventually be heavily poisoned, depending on your resistability to your voraciouness. At least I think I’m good at resist eating it, as I’ve not eaten the ones I’ve grown yet, although I kept smelling them.

Like all flowers, they lose their fragrance after some time. But then you can grow another one. Just with a bit of floral skills, you will be able to grow the perfect and most healthy looking Sweet Poisonous Flower. And of course, you must have the right seeds to grow them, or else they will just grow up to become any other ordinary flower, without the scent of chocolate. I will be bringing a few of its seeds to school on monday and I can grow them on the spot. Ah, good news, its seeds are edible, unlike its flowers. Emm, but on a second thought, you will still be poisoned if you eat too much of its seeds.

Has anyone figured out which species of flower I’m talking about? It’s ok, I will upload a photo of it after Monday =) If any of you wish to learn how to grow this flower so as to enjoy its beautiful presence, you can find me before I run out of seeds to grow them.

As of now, I need to give it a better name, other than the Sweet Poisonous Flower. What about Kimjiosa sp.? Emm, maybe more specifically, Kimjiosa shortara, since its shortness resembles a friend of mine. =D

Well Wishes

Just wanna say good luck to most of you for the upcoming term as this term is ending. And pls take care of yourselves. (I noe I’m random). And if you’r 三八, pls click here, and read the latest post by me. Ya, I noe it’s a bit long la, but it’s good update and encapsulates my wishes for the future for myself, you guys and ms mak. Haha, that’s it, today’s post here is short, coz i wrote longer somewhere else. READ THE CLASS BLOG AH!! I 1ST TIME POST MUST GIVE ME SOME FACE LA! and i so nice give y’all the link above already… na, i very bored, give y’all another link. click this one also can: http://mrhoiscute.blogspot.com/  😀

Child-Self.

Knowing too much is just bad for health.

I will shut and I will dao.

Give me one wish,

I’ll take my memories and be a child, just a child.

Isn’t that what all grown-ups are hoping for? I’m not a grown-up, or maybe can consider half grown-up, but I wanna remain young and childish. I don’t wanna care so much about the future yet, I don’t even wanna think of them yet. See, cg is already so bad at managing his daily stuffs as a half grown-up, how can he manage what is to come in the near future? Ya, i said near, cos time passes really fast, and when it does, it leaves you oblivious, only until some things are going to happen, that you realise, oh, damn, so much time is now gone. Isn’t it that way? This is how it goes for my work: I was given 2 weeks to complete sth, usually I only realised the existence of that thing just at the 13th day. Then I tell myself, the next time i receive a piece of work, I will need to start it immediately! nope….. that didnt happen… maybe for a short span of TWO weeks at the beginning of this semester, after which i went back to being myself. the self that i do not like…. the self that i hate the most…. the self that is so disgusting and horrible, until I really wanna puke at my attitude towards life. I am given a chance to inhabit the most beautiful planet, and i’m not making myself useful.

I am a procrastinator, I thought I can change for the better. Nope, that’s just a wish. (Maybe I still can, but now… no….) Before I started the post, I was like, no cg stop it, you know you have tons and tons of work to do, why are you still killing yourself? I knew it clearly that I will end up dead… But I still kill myself… silly. Actually most people do similar things, they knew they might hurt, they still try it. Note the MIGHT. ya, i like this kinda people, they risk. I am willing to risk, even sometimes there is only a 50-50 chance. But this kinda attitude shouldn’t be applied to what I’m doing, I’m not a gambler, 50-50 chances are just dangerous, huh?

So, what I’m saying is that I don’t really like myself now.. I don’t like this life, unless I am able to make some changes to it. Otherwise, it is just equal to not growing up at all. Then why not me go back to being a child again?

somewhere, there was a kitty. I met her in those days where i juz didn know how good cats can be. I NEVER liked cats. they are meowy, they meow all day long. they can be calm and docile one moment and be scratchy and screamy the next. Just how arbitrary they are. But they’r still mostly predictable, coz they made themselves seem predictable so that you do not know what they really are thinking, as on the inside, they’r quite unpredictable. Dogs are much better, they can let you see through them. cats, they always keep you in suspense.

So, one day, we met. it could be random, or it could be arranged by fate, which i believes to some degree. From then, i realised that she was different. most cats are indifferent, she is enthusiastic, eloquent and friendly; energetic and animated. Not quite like a cat right? but she doe retain some of the parent features: she is definitely arbitrary and PMS. But it all didnt matter that much. She can be silly as well. She’s ambitious, doesn mean she does not give up, but giving up at the right time is good. She’s forgiving, how good are cats at that? And, she has way more awesome stuffs than these… These are the kinda expressions that i usually liked from dogs, but for her, i can make an exception. but tat’s it, no more! I think i’ve exhausted my poor vocabulary… but i will update this as long as i learn new vocab.

See, cg is very poor thing, cannot write much and also very boring. Told you not to read my blog from the start la…. See, now you started reading and you have to read till the end. tsk tsk tsk